


Cake, Boyfriends, And Other Peculiar Melancholies

by gohoubi



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Birthday Presents, Birthday Sex, Fluff and Smut, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Older Man/Younger Man, Vanessa hasn't been revived in this fic, terrible puns galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 03:37:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17134265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gohoubi/pseuds/gohoubi
Summary: Wade buys a gift for Cable's birthday. Puns, fluff, and smut ensue.





	Cake, Boyfriends, And Other Peculiar Melancholies

**Author's Note:**

> This whole 'cable protector = Cable protector' thing was thought of when I got one - it's a shark :D

Cable had to be the hardest person to buy birthday presents for.

It was coming up soon, and Wade wanted to get him something nice. Their relationship had blossomed since they had moved into the X-Force mansion, and Cable had already bought him an Adventure Time coaster set for Wade’s birthday earlier in the year. 

Wade slammed his whisky down onto a coaster of Marceline’s face. Who could he ask about this? The only other people in the house in a relationship were NTW and Yukio. Maybe the pink-haired girl could help him. 

Wade drained the last of his whisky and set off to find his friend. The house seemed to be deserted, but he hoped Yukio was home. He walked down the hallway to NTW and Yukio’s room, which was conspicuous by virtue of all the pink, glittery decorations stuck to it. Wade couldn’t imagine NTW being okay with that, but he knew people would do anything for the people they loved.

He reached into his pocket to feel the warped shape of the shot Skee-Ball token. Wade knocked on the bedazzled door, making a few sparkly hearts fall off.

The door opened, and Yukio poked her head through the opening. “Hi, Wade!”

“Hi, Yukio. Can I come in? I need your help.”

NTW was not around, which was probably a good thing. Yukio led him in, and sat him down at a tea table in the bay window. She poured him a cup of green tea. “What do you need help with, Wade?”

Wade sighed. Yukio was perhaps the most easiest to talk to in the X-Mansion, but how could he do this?

“I…um…look, Cable’s birthday is soon. I wanted to get him something. But I don’t know what to get him.”

“You need a gift?” asked Yukio innocently. “I’m good at gifts!”

“Yeah, I figured…I saw NTW walking around with that golden necklace you gave her. I wasn’t aware she liked jewellery,” he said, sipping his tea.

“Hmm…what does Cable like?”

What did he like? Wade wasn’t aware of any hobbies that he liked to partake in. Trying to evade Cable’s murderous intents didn’t leave a lot of time to get to know someone. Of course, they were lovers now, but there were lots of things Wade didn’t know about Nathan Summers.

“I don’t know. We’ve only known each other a few months - “

Yukio grabbed an iPad from the windowsill. “I have an idea.” She rapidly typed a URL into the search bar, then flipped it around to show Wade.

The site Yukio showed him was all in Japanese, so Wade couldn’t make head nor tails of it. He scrolled through the page, which appeared to be selling little rubber animals. “What are these things?

“They are cable protectors!” Yukio said brightly. She unplugged her (bedazzled, sparkly, pink) phone from the wall, and showed him the phone charger with a little pink hippo on the end. “NTW got me this one. It protects your phone charger from damage!”

Wade chuckled to himself. A ‘Cable’ protector. This would be the perfect present after the Adventure Time coasters.

“What types are there?”

“Every animal you can think of! Here, look. I’ll get some more tea.”

It seemed every animal on the planet was represented as a cable protector. Which one would Cable like? What was his favourite animal? Did he even have one?

He had almost given up hope when he saw it. It was the last product on the search results. 

It was a tapir, an animal that Wade had never seen in real life. _This little tapir is giving off an energy. I don’t know what it is, but I dig it. I’m getting it,_ Wade thought.

“Yukio? I chose one! How do I buy it?”

 

After three weeks, the little tapir had arrived at the X-Mansion. Yukio agreed to hide it in her room until Cable’s birthday.

Wade had gone out to a jewellery store to buy an empty ring box. The cashier had given him a strange look when he only bought a box, but she rung it up all the same.

He had spent the afternoon setting up a dinner table in their shared room next to the bay window. Colossus had generously cooked a three course meal for them, and Yukio had supplied table decorations.

Russell lit the fire in the grate with his powers. “Hope you guys enjoy your date. What did you get for Cable’s birthday?”

“I got a cable protector,” Wade said, showing him. 

“Wow. That’s a gag gift and a half.” Russell laughed as he lit the candles. “Does he even like tapirs?”

“FYI, Peewee Kiwi, I know he’ll love this. Besides, he was the one who got me those Adventure Time coasters.”

“Alright. Good luck,” Russell said, walking out.

Wade dimmed the lights, making the fire and candles the only illumination. He barely managed to set out the cutlery before Cable walked in. “I’m ready for our date,” he said in that characteristically gravelly voice Wade loved so much. “Wow. Nice atmosphere,” he chuckled, taking a seat at the table.

“I tried my best,” Wade said shyly. “Here’s your birthday gift.”

Cable opened the box and withdrew the little tapir. He looked all over it, including the seam on the bottom. “What is this?”

Wade blushed. “It’s a…cable protector. I thought it might be a nice play on words. You can put it on your power bank charger. I mean, it does protect your chargers from fraying, but I thought you could take it around with you. Like a lucky talisman.”

Cable withdrew his power bank from his pocket and stuffed the little rubber tapir on his charger. He plugged his phone into it.

Cable tweaked his charger back and forth. “Wow. It really does protect your chargers.” He stuffed his power bank back in his pocket, rubber tapir and all. “And it’ll protect me, too.”

Wade and Cable ate their dinner, which was a pumpkin soup, followed by a steak, then a peach slice that was Yukio’s favourite dessert.

“I’m glad for the protection,” said Cable. He put his hand on top of Wade’s. “It means a lot.”

 

Cable plugged his phone into the wall, and clamped the little tapir on his charger. As Wade got the best dicking down of his life, he stared at it. This was the best gift he’d ever gotten anyone. It may be a silly gift….but it was symbolic of everything in their relationship.

“Happy birthday…Nathan Summers.”

“Thank you…. Wade Wilson."


End file.
